Friday, February 26, 2010

The Things A Mother has to Do

Sierra Nevada in California

I am worried about so many things right now. My Mother (who, along with my father, lives with us) is going to have an MRI in the morning. They think she may have had a mild stroke. I am sure she will be okay, but I am still worried. My mind is racing with so many things and I am having a hard time dealing with it all.

I went to the movies tonight with Amy (15) as a sort of chaperone. It was a terrible movie and I didn't want to go. But I wasn't going to let her go to the movies with a (gasp) boy unless she had a chaperone. (smiles) He is a very sweet boy and goes to church, which is important to me.

I remember a few months ago, when Nicole (20) was still home with us. She is my wild girl. The dangerous one. She was going through a very rough week. She was so upset, miserable, angry, grumpy and depressed. So one night, when she was at her worst, I picked her up from her night class and said, "Let's go to a bar." You should have seen the look on her face! It was priceless. She just laughed and smiled. I said, "You can buy us both a soda." Now, if you have been reading my blog for any period of time, you are probably shocked. But if you could see my tears as I remember that night, or sense my fear for that child's soul, you would understand the sacrifice and courage it took to go there with her. We sat on stools at the counter, sipping on soda and I told her how worried I was about what will happen when she turns 21. I have a huge fear that she will spend all her time in the bars, getting drunk and putting herself in serious danger. I knew I could not stop her, but I begged her never to go to a bar without me. I said, "Nicole, I will sit at a little table and read my Bible and pray for you and just smile and make sure you are safe and okay. I won't let anyone hurt you." She thought that was so sweet. She knows I don't want her to go at all, but she was comforted knowing that I would always be there for her. On our way home that night, we stopped at a store and she bought me a pretty little plastic flower to tell me she loved and appreciated me. "To remember this night," she told me. All the pain in her eyes, all the worry, all the anger was gone. Her soul was refreshed by our little time together in that awful place. She was okay.

The other night, I watched Matthew (17) walk across the street to the store in the dark. I was in my nightgown and socks. I watched him to make sure he was safe. It is almost like I sense he is in danger. I was ready to run out into the snow, without my shoes, to attack whatever or whoever tried to harm him - with that amazing adrenaline -power all mothers have when the situation requires it.

Lately, I feel like I am on high-alert - the watchman of my children. I have their back. But it is a heavy burden on my shoulders.

In the morning I have to take Matthew to have x-rays on his arm. He may have sprained or fractured it. He is also having a hard time with life and I am almost in tears trying to cope. Why do prayers have to hurt? I pray so hard for him everyday, as I do for all my children, but there is an urgency about him. I need him to be okay. His health has been bad for a long time. He seemed to have recovered in the last month or so, but now I see signs that he is not doing well again.

How much more can a mother take?

I am staying up late tonight and will read my Bible and sing hymns until I am too tired to sing anymore. May the Lord comfort me and make it all okay.

Mrs. White

Edited update
(Feb. 27, 2010) - Things are so much better today! Thank you so much for your prayers and kind words. They are a tremendous help! Everything is peaceful again and back to normal. I have some cheerful news to share soon. I will not dwell on yesterday's pain (smiles), so look for a happy post coming up!


Kim said...

I'm praying for you, Mrs. White. Focus on Jesus, He will give you strength & comfort. Never give up!
Weeping may be for a night, but joy comes in the morning.

Deanna said...

Dear Mrs. White,
God bless and comfort you.
Your honesty will stir others to pray for you/your Family for the best possible results.

I think if a person lives long enough they find out that there are times that "our plates" are full and difficult to carry...just too much on the plate.

Others may say that God will not give us more than we can bare...but I understand that whopping feelings that our overloaded plates can cause us. Dealing with or turning loose of so much may be a process that takes time to be rid of.

I have gone so far as to say, if God be for me, who can be against me...and very upset say...the devil is against me. But have come to understand that if God be for me...who can be against me means that God is for you if you're His child walking uprightly before Him.

I will pray that this heaviness be lifted and the burden of so much be lightened.

You've probably heard that when a window is closed, a door is opened. And I don't mean any disrespect...but while we're waiting for the door to be can be 'hell' in the hallways.

I am going through a difficult time right now with my daughter's has stretched me inside out and upside down. I have had to say out loud, God you are in control and still on the throne. People's actions cause consequences, but God is still on the throne and I will praise Him.

Sorry to have written a book.
I appreciate your honesty.
Praying for you,

Carrie said...

stay strong, and keep your head high. ask help from those you would not. know that the lord will help you through your rough times. learn to lean on people you may not have before. i will be paying for you, and thinking of you. life is hard at times, and as they say this too shall pass.

Nikki said...

Mrs. White, I believe all mothers are in spiritual battle for and with their children. A friend taught me about praying ON the armor of God. I would encourage you to pray on the FULL armor of God on yourself and your children each and everyday!
I will continue to pray for you. Thank you for your honesty and sharing your heart with us. My children are young, but I can learn from you as you are in a different season of motherhood than me. Thank you for sharing your struggles and your joys!

joyce said...

I think every Mother has gone through difficult times with their children. While that fact does not diminish the pain you are enduring, it does make others more sympathetic and sensitive to your needs. We can pray for you and your children in a special way because we understand. We've been there.

I will lift you and your family up in prayer. Please know that many others are praying at this time.
He will see you through the dark times


Jodi @ The Homeschool Desk said...

Praying God gives you the strength you need Mrs. White.

Anonymous said...

Love the story about going to the bar. Boldly showing the devil he will not have your children. Good for you! It's a battle and you're a soldier and fighting the good fight. . .standing in the gap. God's grace and strength and blessing to you!

Heather said...

I will not forget the story of you taking your daughter to the bar. God was so good to give you that idea.

Anonymous said...

My heart goes out to you, and know that you are not alone....not completly alone.

Anonymous said...

I was a prodigal daughter. My mother prayed and was victorious. Read about it in my testimony on one of my pages. Mrs. White, The Lord is going to turn her life into an enormous testimony. I have faith. I'm praying with you. Love, Rosemi

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