Quieting Myself for the Good of Others

Hermann Pohle painting, 1901.

It is always important to know when to speak and when to be quiet.  We are often having casual conversation with family members or friends and we may end up saying something that harms rather than helps.

The biggest and most common example of this is when we offer a contrary opinion, without thinking, or give overbearing advice as an instant reflex when we should have kept quiet.

This causes harm because it discourages others.  It makes them second guess themselves. It drags them down instead of lifting them up.  Many parents do this to their children without thinking.

I first heard of this method of keeping quiet, years ago, when I read the book "Emma: A Widow Among the Amish" by Ervin R. Stutzman.  Emma gave her growing children the space to make their own mistakes and make their own decisions as they were becoming young adults. There were certainly rules in her house but she knew they had to learn how to make their own choices. She spent a lot of time in prayer and stood back as she watched God work in their lives.

I have sometimes found myself saying to my grown children, "You should do this," or "You shouldn't do that." These are choices that are not really my business such as what they were planning to do that day or what job they were thinking of taking.   I was giving my opinion as a reflex instead of sitting back and being grateful, knowing that God loves them so much and He is in control.  I am not to be bossy or controlling of the lives of adults. My opinion does not matter. My ideas will not always work for them. We have different tastes and skills. We are from different generations.   They are on their own path and God has a plan for their lives that I do not need to understand.  I must remember that God's ways and thoughts are higher than mine. The Lord does not need my help or ideas. I cannot comprehend His wonderful plan. That is how little I should be thinking of my opinions. 

In other ways, we might even tell young children what they should like or dislike.  It is too easy to interfere with their precious lives by saying something foolish that doesn't matter. For a more positive example: If I don't like broccoli, for instance, I might say, "I don't like that vegetable, but it's okay if you do." This is because they look up to us. They want to please us.  They must be reassured that it is okay to have different tastes.

How can children learn to listen to the Holy Spirit, strengthen their conscience, reach out to God in prayer if all they ever hear is a nagging mother or grandmother in the background?  We ought to have confidence in them. We should be understanding and patient as they grow and learn. It is a joy for them to have the opportunity to peacefully live their daily lives. They should be reassured by a mother who smiles at them, as they go about their day, with her heart full of love and compassion.

It is too easy to misunderstand our children. Their intentions are often good. Our humble opinions are not needed. It might be best to give general advice only when asked. They really only need for us to listen and to love them. We are already teaching them the Bible, leading them to God in prayer, and being an example of depending on God in our Christian lives. We need to trust our children and have faith that God is taking care of everything. We have no need to worry.  We could pray for wisdom before we speak. Our words should be carefully selected to uplift and encourage.  

When genuine counsel is asked of us by our grown children, it might be best to guide them in the process of deciding for themselves. This will help form maturity and dependability in their characters.  A suggestion for doing this is to ask some questions such as:

"What are the options you are thinking of?" 

"What will be the long term consequences or benefits of this choice?"

"Have you researched this or asked questions?" 

"Would this be in line with the principles of Scripture?"

"Have you prayed about it? Do you feel peace about it?"

We really cannot make decisions for other adults even if they are our own children. They have to live out the consequences of those choices whether they be positive or negative. This is part of their growth. We have to remember that we will not always be here. 

Most of the time, we mothers may tend to jump in with our opinions. This is a habit that must be overcome.  We need to be more peaceful and trusting. The most beautiful words we can share are those of hymns and precious verses of Scripture.  "Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh."  Speak words of blessings. This will cheer them along and brighten their path.

Be quiet, meek, and gentle.  Live a cheerful, peaceful life. This will benefit our children and grandchildren more than any idle words we could ever say. 

A quiet spirit, a sweet nature, a kind look, are all for the good of those around us.  We can do all these loving things without saying very much.  We must live by faith and trust, knowing that God's plans are far better than ours could ever be.

Blessings
Mrs. White

From the Archives - 

Encouragement from 2012 - The Virtue of Silence.

It is all I ever want to be - Secretary to the Master. 

Peaceful, quiet Living - Sunday Driver. 

Ration Books from 1942 and helpful advice - Adapting to the High Cost of Living.

 

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  For Encouragement in Christian Homemaking, order Mrs. White's book, "Homemaking For Happiness: Wonderful Days at Home."

In this book, you will find essays, articles, and diary entries about life in a Christian home.

Entries are arranged by season, and include:  "Keeping a Frugal Kitchen;" "Missing the Lilacs;" "An Evening Walk in the Garden;" "At Grandmother's House;" and "Chores for Grandchildren."

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